A Very Unhelpful Guide to China

(According to Someone Who Pointed, Smiled, and Hoped for the Best)

China does not ease you in.

China hands you a map you can’t read,
apps you can’t log into,
and food you didn’t order —
and then asks why you’re still standing there.

You are not lost.
You are participating.

📍 China (overall)

DO:

Screenshot everything like it’s your job.
Learn three phrases and use hand gestures for the rest.
Follow the crowd —they know something you don’t.

DON’T:

Assume Google exists.
Expect personal space to survive rush hour.
Panic when you’re lost —you already were.

Things no one warned me about:

You will be illiterate overnight.
Everything works just not the way you expect.
Confidence is not a substitute for language.

DON’T MISS:

Getting the correct VPN — lots of VPN “say” they work in China — most don’t.
Downloading both WeChat and AliPay — they will use both.
Bothering to get cash — I had $10 worth of yuan and never used them until leaving — just so I can return without them.

📍 Beijing

DO:

Look up.
Walk until your legs question your life choices.
Accept history is bigger than you.

DON’T:

Whisper wow too loudly.
Expect shade.
Assume you’ve seen it all.

Things no one warned me about:

The scale is disrespectful.
You will underestimate every distance.
You will sweat in places you didn’t know existed.

DON’T MISS:

Eating Peking Duck.
Getting scanned head to toe and every crevice to enter Tianamen Square from the south. East entrance has no scanning — bewildering.
Buying “I love BJ” t-shirts.

📍 Great Wall (Beijing)

DO:

Climb.
Pause.
Take photos that do not capture reality.

DON’T:

Count the steps.
Ask how much farther?
Compete with retirees.

Things no one warned me about:

The wall climbs you back.
Tour buses release humans in waves.
You will feel small and proud.

DON’T MISS:

Sliding downhill.
Bargaining with vendors… sometimes as low as 10% original price works.

📍 Shanghai

DO:

Look up.
Look across.
Look again.

DON’T :

Blink too long.
Compare it to anywhere else.
Ask if it ever sleeps.

Things no one warned me about:

Shanghai feels like tomorrow.
The skyline judges you.
Romance shows are not optional they are mandatory.

DON’T MISS:

Getting to the Romance Park early — more pre-shows to enjoy.
Pretending you’re in Venice at Zhujiajiao Water Town with less bridges to cross.
Trying to find how to collect the free gift after Yuyuan Garden walk.
Watching city from the North Bund… the South Bund will test your patience to get a view.

📍 Nanjing

DO:

Wander without a plan.
Follow the river at night.
Pretend you know where you’re going in the underground path of the shopping maze downtown.

DON’T:

Assume you’ll see it.
Plan emotional expectations.
Compete with clouds.

Things no one warned me about:

Admit you’re lost.
Expect people to believe you don’t speak Chinese.
Trust autocomplete.

DON’T MISS:

Getting here when you really wanted to go to Nanching — the universe took me here and I loved it.

📍Wangxian (Vagoo Scenic Valley)

DO:

Look down.
Question physics.
Take photos slowly.

DON’T:

Test railings.
Think about insurance.
Rush wonder.

Things no one warned me about:

Floating villages exist.
Gravity is optional.
Fear and awe can coexist.

DON’T MISS:

Wandering the Ink Museum — it’s bigger than you can imagine.

📍Changsha

DO:

Eat at Wenheyou.
Eat again.
Eat more.

DON’T:

Wear white.
Ask what time it closes.
Expect digestion to keep up.

Things no one warned me about:

Food is layered vertically.
Restaurants feel like time machines.
Hunger is theoretical here.

DON’T MISS:

Seeing the locals dancing along the river banks — look at their smiles — they are awesome.

📍 Zhangjiajie / Wulingyuan

DO:

Look at the mountains.
Whisper Avatar.
Accept reality is CGI now.

DON’T:

Look down too long.
Fear glass bridges.
Count stairs.

Things no one warned me about:

999 steps exist.
Heaven has legs day.
Your knees will remember this place forever.

DON’T MISS:

.Sliding down from the Grand Canyon — keep your feet up high.
Dropping your camera and seeing it slowly roll and fall of the mountain.

📍 Furong Ancient Town

DO:

Walk slowly.
Respect water.
Accept beauty.

DON’T:

Rush through postcards.
Fight the crowd.
Miss nightfall.

Things no one warned me about:

Waterfalls live in towns.
Lights change everything.
Ancient doesn’t mean quiet.

DON’T MISS:

Losing your glasses — but after searching everywhere, find them back in your hotel room.
Staying within the area border — you get to wander around again at sunrise for free.

📍 Chongqing

DO:

Find elevators/escalators.
Accept floors are a suggestion.
Eat spicy food bravely.

DON’T:

Ask what level you’re on.
Question gravity.
Challenge the map.

Things no one warned me about:

The 1st floor can be the 22nd.
Streets stack.
Reality bends here.

DON’T MISS:

Seeing the skyline from the Two Rivers cruise first — then you know where to visit the following nights.
Skipping Chongqing 1949 if you have limited time here — only worthwhile if you love to see a stage perform more than the story itself.
Losing your ticket to Chongqing 1949 after scanning and before showing the usher your seat number — literally 2 minutes at most had passed and I had to go back out to get reprinted.

📍 Panda Research Base (Chengdu)

DO:

Walk in circles.
Meet Yang Yang repeatedly.
Reflect on life.

DON’T:

Rush.
Give up.
Assume you’ve seen it all.

Things no one warned me about:

Pandas nap professionally.
Getting lost is the point.
You leave changed.

DON’T MISS:

Skipping the long line for Area 6 — there are other more amusing pandas to see.

📍 Fenghuang (Phoenix Ancient Town)

DO:

Walk early morning before the tour groups wake up.
Get lost in the side alleys that’s where it breathes.
Sit by the river and do nothing on purpose.

DON’T:

Expect quiet after sunset.
Trust that one photo is enough.
Assume every traditional costume rental is optional.

Things no one warned me about:

Every bridge is a photo trap.
Nighttime turns calm into chaos.
Ancient comes with amplified speakers.

DON’T MISS:

Walking 35 minutes to your hotel and later when leaving taking 5 minutes back to the same bus station.
Crossing the river via stones in the water with crowds coming from the other side — negotiating passing is a rite.

📍 Huayin (Mount Hua)

DO:

Take your time —the mountain isn’t going anywhere.
Clip every harness like your mother is watching.
Look up occasionally it’s worth it.

DON’T:

Rush the stairs like it’s cardio day.
Pretend you’re not scared (the mountain knows).
Look down unless you’re ready for honesty.

Things no one warned me about:

Fear is part of the ticket price.
Gravity is not negotiable.
Your legs will question your life choices.

DON’T MISS:

Getting rejected from edge plank walk because you’re over 55 years old and being thankful for it.

📍 Squat Toilets

DO:

Commit.
Balance.
Hope.

DON’T:

Hesitate.
Overthink.
Drop anything.

📍 Lights

DO:

Wear sunglasses at night.
Accept glow.
Question your age.

DON’T:

Expect darkness.
Fight neon.
Think it’s beautiful in the day until you see it at night — Everything looks ancient and futuristic at once.

📍 Stores, Clothes & English

DO:

Trust photos.
Guess sizes.
Accept fashion risk.

DON’T:

Read translations seriously.
Ask what it means.
Assume logic.

Common Sightings:

Shirts that say “POWER LOVE FASHIN TIME.”
Jackets declaring “I AM VERY BUSINESS.”
Pants with opinions.
Map points like “Bridge path made of stone” or “Dog sleeping”

DON’T MISS:

Thinking you’re a size Large and you end up buying size XXX-Large.
Going to a bathroom that feels like a dance floor.

📍 Salespeople & Waiters

DO:

Decide quickly.
Point confidently — Hesitation invites supervision.
Smile — Assistance is aggressive.

DON’T:

Browse casually.
Translate slowly.
Pretend you’re not ordering yet.

📝 Absurd China Checklist

☑ Ordered food by pointing
☑ Walked 5x the mapped distance
☑ Lost printed tickets immediately
☑ Reprinted tickets immediately
☑ Laughed at myself constantly
☑ Applied for drone flying in Chinese website 5 times before getting it right and approved
☑ Watching all your photo footage fall off a cliff in slo-mo
☑ Eating unknown meat products
☑ Reprinted tickets immediately
☑ Laughed at myself constantly