Living

I came across an image today that stopped me for a moment.

It said something very simple:

Love is not sex.
Even strangers can have sex.

That part is easy to understand, but what came after it made me think more deeply about what love actually means to me.

Love is sacrifice. Patience. Choosing someone every day. Listening when you’re tired. Forgiving when you’re hurt. Staying when it would be easier to walk away.

I think that’s pretty close to my definition of love too.

I’ve come to believe that sex and love can exist together, but they are not the same thing. Sex can happen between two people who barely know each other. Attraction can happen instantly. Chemistry can be powerful. You can want someone physically without knowing how to love them.

Love is something different. Love is what happens after the excitement settles.

It’s getting to know someone’s imperfections and deciding they are still worth knowing. It’s discovering that the person you fell for has bad days, insecurities, habits that drive you crazy, and moments when they aren’t particularly easy to love and choosing to remain present anyway.

That doesn’t mean accepting everything.

I don’t believe love means tolerating abuse, losing yourself, or staying in something that destroys you. Sometimes walking away is an act of love too especially when staying means continuing to hurt each other.

But there is something important about the word choosing.

Because feelings change.

There will be days when you’re tired. Days when you’re frustrated. Days when your partner doesn’t quite understand you. Days when you wonder why something that once seemed so easy suddenly feels so complicated.

The feeling of being “in love” can come and go. The choice to love can be deeper.

It’s making the effort to communicate instead of shutting down.
It’s listening even when you think you’ve already heard the story.
It’s saying you’re sorry when your pride wants you to defend yourself.
It’s forgiving without keeping a scorecard of every mistake.
It’s remembering that you’re on the same side even when you disagree.
It’s celebrating the other person’s happiness without needing it to benefit you.

And sometimes, love is simply being there.

Not fixing anything.
Not giving advice.

Just sitting beside someone who is having a difficult day and letting them know they don’t have to carry it alone.

I think that’s something I understand differently now than I did when I was younger.

When you’re young, love can feel like something that happens to you.

You fall in love.
You feel butterflies.
You can’t stop thinking about someone.

Everything feels exciting. But perhaps as we get older, we discover another side of love.

Love is also something we do. It’s in the small decisions nobody sees.

Making the coffee.
Checking in.
Remembering something they mentioned weeks ago.
Giving them space when they need it.
Holding their hand.
Showing up.
Choosing kindness when being right would be easier.

And yes, sometimes making sacrifices because the other person’s wellbeing matters to you.

That’s the kind of love I want now. Not perfect love. Not a relationship where neither person ever gets angry, frustrated, disappointed or tired.

That’s not realistic.

I want something more human than that. I want two people who understand that neither of them is perfect, but both are willing to keep learning each other. Two people who can communicate when things get difficult instead of disappearing. Two people who can laugh together, be vulnerable together, grow together and still choose each other after seeing the parts that aren’t particularly pretty.

Because I don’t think love is measured by how intensely you feel something when everything is wonderful.

Maybe it’s measured by what you do when things aren’t.

Sex can create intimacy. Chemistry can create attraction.

But love, to me, is built through trust, patience, vulnerability, forgiveness, kindness and choice.

It’s not simply “I want you.”

It’s:

“I see you.
I know you.
I accept that you’re human.
And I still choose you.”

That’s my definition of love.

And perhaps the older I get, the less interested I am in finding someone who makes me feel butterflies every single day. I’m more interested in finding someone who makes me want to stay present for all the days the exciting ones, the ordinary ones, the difficult ones, and everything in between.

Because love isn’t just about who you want beside you when life is beautiful.

It’s about who you want beside you when life is simply life.

What I'd Do

If your tears start to fall,
I won't look away or stall.
I'll sit close, let mine fall too,
Because your hurt becomes mine when it's you.

I won't rush to make it neat,
Won't hand you logic in place of a seat.
Beside you, in whatever storm you're in
I'll stay there first. That's where I begin.

But once the quiet comes, and you can breathe,
I'll reach for every tool I have up my sleeve
Not because your feelings need repair,
But because I can't stand to see you carry it alone, anywhere.

So no, it's not fix or feel with you,
It's both, together, straight on through
I'll cry what's yours, then carry what I can,
That's the truest shape of my hopeless-romantic plan.

ChihSang