The Very Unhelpful Series

In case anyone wants unhelpful advise for the places I visited.

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    A Very Unhelpful Guide to China

    ByChihSang
    (According to Someone Who Pointed, Smiled, and Hoped for the Best)

    China does not ease you in.

    China hands you a map you can’t read,
    apps you can’t log into,
    and food you didn’t order —
    and then asks why you’re still standing there.

    You are not lost.
    You are participating.

    📍 China (overall)
    DO:
    • Screenshot everything like it’s your job.
    • Learn three phrases and use hand gestures for the rest.
    • Follow the crowd —they know something you don’t.
    DON’T:
    • Assume Google exists.
    • Expect personal space to survive rush hour.
    • Panic when you’re lost —you already were.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • You will be illiterate overnight.
    • Everything works just not the way you expect.
    • Confidence is not a substitute for language.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Getting the correct VPN — lots of VPN “say” they work in China — most don’t.
    • Downloading both WeChat and AliPay — they will use both.
    • Bothering to get cash — I had $10 worth of yuan and never used them until leaving — just so I can return without them.
    📍 Beijing
    DO:
    • Look up.
    • Walk until your legs question your life choices.
    • Accept history is bigger than you.
    DON’T:
    • Whisper wow too loudly.
    • Expect shade.
    • Assume you’ve seen it all.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • The scale is disrespectful.
    • You will underestimate every distance.
    • You will sweat in places you didn’t know existed.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Eating Peking Duck.
    • Getting scanned head to toe and every crevice to enter Tianamen Square from the south. East entrance has no scanning — bewildering.
    • Buying “I love BJ” t-shirts.
    📍 Great Wall (Beijing)
    DO:
    • Climb.
    • Pause.
    • Take photos that do not capture reality.
    DON’T:
    • Count the steps.
    • Ask how much farther?
    • Compete with retirees.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • The wall climbs you back.
    • Tour buses release humans in waves.
    • You will feel small and proud.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Sliding downhill.
    • Bargaining with vendors… sometimes as low as 10% original price works.
    📍 Shanghai
    DO:
    • Look up.
    • Look across.
    • Look again.
    DON’T :
    • Blink too long.
    • Compare it to anywhere else.
    • Ask if it ever sleeps.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Shanghai feels like tomorrow.
    • The skyline judges you.
    • Romance shows are not optional they are mandatory.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Getting to the Romance Park early — more pre-shows to enjoy.
    • Pretending you’re in Venice at Zhujiajiao Water Town with less bridges to cross.
    • Trying to find how to collect the free gift after Yuyuan Garden walk.
    • Watching city from the North Bund… the South Bund will test your patience to get a view.
    📍 Nanjing
    DO:
    • Wander without a plan.
    • Follow the river at night.
    • Pretend you know where you’re going in the underground path of the shopping maze downtown.
    DON’T:
    • Assume you’ll see it.
    • Plan emotional expectations.
    • Compete with clouds.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Admit you’re lost.
    • Expect people to believe you don’t speak Chinese.
    • Trust autocomplete.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Getting here when you really wanted to go to Nanching — the universe took me here and I loved it.
    📍Wangxian (Vagoo Scenic Valley)
    DO:
    • Look down.
    • Question physics.
    • Take photos slowly.
    DON’T:
    • Test railings.
    • Think about insurance.
    • Rush wonder.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Floating villages exist.
    • Gravity is optional.
    • Fear and awe can coexist.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Wandering the Ink Museum — it’s bigger than you can imagine.
    📍Changsha
    DO:
    • Eat at Wenheyou.
    • Eat again.
    • Eat more.
    DON’T:
    • Wear white.
    • Ask what time it closes.
    • Expect digestion to keep up.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Food is layered vertically.
    • Restaurants feel like time machines.
    • Hunger is theoretical here.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Seeing the locals dancing along the river banks — look at their smiles — they are awesome.
    📍 Zhangjiajie / Wulingyuan
    DO:
    • Look at the mountains.
    • Whisper Avatar.
    • Accept reality is CGI now.
    DON’T:
    • Look down too long.
    • Fear glass bridges.
    • Count stairs.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • 999 steps exist.
    • Heaven has legs day.
    • Your knees will remember this place forever.
    DON’T MISS:
    • .Sliding down from the Grand Canyon — keep your feet up high.
    • Dropping your camera and seeing it slowly roll and fall of the mountain.
    📍 Furong Ancient Town
    DO:
    • Walk slowly.
    • Respect water.
    • Accept beauty.
    DON’T:
    • Rush through postcards.
    • Fight the crowd.
    • Miss nightfall.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Waterfalls live in towns.
    • Lights change everything.
    • Ancient doesn’t mean quiet.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Losing your glasses — but after searching everywhere, find them back in your hotel room.
    • Staying within the area border — you get to wander around again at sunrise for free.
    📍 Chongqing
    DO:
    • Find elevators/escalators.
    • Accept floors are a suggestion.
    • Eat spicy food bravely.
    DON’T:
    • Ask what level you’re on.
    • Question gravity.
    • Challenge the map.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • The 1st floor can be the 22nd.
    • Streets stack.
    • Reality bends here.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Seeing the skyline from the Two Rivers cruise first — then you know where to visit the following nights.
    • Skipping Chongqing 1949 if you have limited time here — only worthwhile if you love to see a stage perform more than the story itself.
    • Losing your ticket to Chongqing 1949 after scanning and before showing the usher your seat number — literally 2 minutes at most had passed and I had to go back out to get reprinted.
    📍 Panda Research Base (Chengdu)
    DO:
    • Walk in circles.
    • Meet Yang Yang repeatedly.
    • Reflect on life.
    DON’T:
    • Rush.
    • Give up.
    • Assume you’ve seen it all.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Pandas nap professionally.
    • Getting lost is the point.
    • You leave changed.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Skipping the long line for Area 6 — there are other more amusing pandas to see.
    📍 Fenghuang (Phoenix Ancient Town)
    DO:
    • Walk early morning before the tour groups wake up.
    • Get lost in the side alleys that’s where it breathes.
    • Sit by the river and do nothing on purpose.
    DON’T:
    • Expect quiet after sunset.
    • Trust that one photo is enough.
    • Assume every traditional costume rental is optional.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Every bridge is a photo trap.
    • Nighttime turns calm into chaos.
    • Ancient comes with amplified speakers.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Walking 35 minutes to your hotel and later when leaving taking 5 minutes back to the same bus station.
    • Crossing the river via stones in the water with crowds coming from the other side — negotiating passing is a rite.
    📍 Huayin (Mount Hua)
    DO:
    • Take your time —the mountain isn’t going anywhere.
    • Clip every harness like your mother is watching.
    • Look up occasionally it’s worth it.
    DON’T:
    • Rush the stairs like it’s cardio day.
    • Pretend you’re not scared (the mountain knows).
    • Look down unless you’re ready for honesty.
    Things no one warned me about:
    • Fear is part of the ticket price.
    • Gravity is not negotiable.
    • Your legs will question your life choices.
    DON’T MISS:
    • Getting rejected from edge plank walk because you’re over 55 years old and being thankful for it.
    📍 Squat Toilets
    DO:
    • Commit.
    • Balance.
    • Hope.
    DON’T:
    • Hesitate.
    • Overthink.
    • Drop anything.
    📍 Lights
    DO:
    • Wear sunglasses at night.
    • Accept glow.
    • Question your age.
    DON’T:
    • Expect darkness.
    • Fight neon.
    • Think it’s beautiful in the day until you see it at night — Everything looks ancient and futuristic at once.
    📍 Stores, Clothes & English
    DO:
    • Trust photos.
    • Guess sizes.
    • Accept fashion risk.
    DON’T:
    • Read translations seriously.
    • Ask what it means.
    • Assume logic.
    Common Sightings:
    • Shirts that say “POWER LOVE FASHIN TIME.”
    • Jackets declaring “I AM VERY BUSINESS.”
    • Pants with opinions.
    • Map points like “Bridge path made of stone” or “Dog sleeping”
    DON’T MISS:
    • Thinking you’re a size Large and you end up buying size XXX-Large.
    • Going to a bathroom that feels like a dance floor.
    📍 Salespeople & Waiters
    DO:
    • Decide quickly.
    • Point confidently — Hesitation invites supervision.
    • Smile — Assistance is aggressive.
    DON’T:
    • Browse casually.
    • Translate slowly.
    • Pretend you’re not ordering yet.
    📝 Absurd China Checklist

    ☑ Ordered food by pointing
    ☑ Walked 5x the mapped distance
    ☑ Lost printed tickets immediately
    ☑ Reprinted tickets immediately
    ☑ Laughed at myself constantly
    ☑ Applied for drone flying in Chinese website 5 times before getting it right and approved
    ☑ Watching all your photo footage fall off a cliff in slo-mo
    ☑ Eating unknown meat products
    ☑ Reprinted tickets immediately
    ☑ Laughed at myself constantly

    “You have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”
    — Kung Fu Panda (2008) (obviously)

    China didn’t ask me to be prepared.
    It asked me to adapt.

    I arrived careful.
    I left flexible.
    Still confused.

    Just laughing now.

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